I know the title may surprise you or may even be confusing, but I assure you that by the end of this blog you’ll understand. I have always had a very difficult relationship with control; I’ve always been someone that has a hard time letting go. Now, this being said I have to clarify that I don’t enjoy controlling other people and I’ve never had a hard time letting others take the reins with certain projects, etc. But with myself, it’s a completely different story. I need to feel in control of myself, my emotions, my routines, and so on.
This paired with my own high expectations I set for myself makes for a very toxic combination for my mental wellbeing. So recently I have been challenging myself to let go more often and practice the art of surrendering.
This weekend was the first time I really had a chance to practice this on a large scale. I had quite a rough weekend if I’m honest. On Saturday I had a whole laundry list of things I wanted to do and I was set on it being a restful yet productive day. A day where I could accomplish some small tasks and still be able to treat myself to something lovely like a walk in a park or roller skating to get boba. However, on Saturday morning I woke up with one of the worst migraines I have had in a really long time. I’m talking about a brain-splitting, nauseating, the-room-is-spinning kind of migraine. It was the worst case scenario, until I realized this would be a great time to practice letting go and just taking care of myself and accepting myself in the moment. Once the inevitable dread that my Saturday plans were ruined passed, I then began my journey.
I first assessed how I was feeling and asked myself what the best route was for healing. I settled on a cold compress over my eyes, an anti-nausea pill so eventually I could eat and take my migraine medication, and a soft guided meditation. During my meditation, I pushed past my negative self-talk telling me that I had ruined my weekend and that I was a failure for having this bad of a migraine. With every breath I rid myself of any expectation to be someone other than who I was in that moment. I knew that if I kept ruminating about my plans I would only prolong the healing process. In a few hours, after I had taken a much needed nap, I was feeling recovered and had a peaceful night to myself.
All in all, sometimes our bodies tell us in seemingly inconvenient ways that we need to rest. For me, it comes in the form of a terrible migraine which is unfortunate. Without it, I wouldn’t have been able to get the rest that I needed and would’ve just kept pushing myself to have this ideal life that I create every day in my head. Some days you can’t be the ideal and that’s totally okay. We need to practice being kinder to every version of ourselves so we can lead more meaningful lives.